


I am okay

by autisticblueteam



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Angst, Autistic Character, Autistic Character(s), Gen, M/M, Multi, Season/Series 13 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 06:29:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5698420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autisticblueteam/pseuds/autisticblueteam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Caboose was okay. Of course he was okay. Church is gone, but Caboose will be okay. He thinks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I am okay

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I was going to do Caboose the first time he was told Church was dead, but I don’t think I could physically write that without crying and also I wasn’t sure I could handle something so intense on my first time writing Caboose’s third person POV. So this is later than that, and also a lot different from my Carolina one in other ways too.

It was dark. The sun had set over the canyon hours before, and everyone else was asleep. Even Wash was asleep, curled up with his arms around Tucker and his back pressed to Caboose’s chest. Caboose liked it when they lay like this, because he could feel the warmth of Wash’s body and wrap his arms around both of the smaller men at the same time! It was a win-win situation. Well, usually.

Caboose found himself stuck between Wash and the wall, able to move enough to stand up against the wall but then becoming too scared to make another move. The bed bounced, you see. And Caboose was very big. And the bed did not much care for someone very big moving on top of it, so it responded by bouncing. It made it very difficult to get out of bed. Well, if he didn’t want to wake his boyfriends. Which he didn’t. Because they would be grouchy, and Caboose didn’t want to make them grouchy.

But he figured it out. He just had to be very, _very_ careful like he had the other night! They were in a slightly different position, but if he carefully placed his foot there, and then there… with a final leap he could get off of the bed almost soundlessly! He hit the floor with both feet, shivering at the cold rock even through his socks, and just about stopped himself from tumbling backwards onto the other men.

He glanced back, sighing in relief that they were undisturbed. He did not want to disturb them. They did not need to know that he was awake. Because then they would ask why he was awake, and they did not need to know why he was awake either, because then they would be sad. And he didn’t want them to be sad too.

His feet scuffed against the floor as he walked out of the room, goose bumps appearing on his bare arms as the night air bit at his skin. It got very cold in the canyon at night. Caboose did not really like the cold. It was sharp and it made his skin all bumpy with goose bumps, which he didn’t like. His face scrunched up as the cold pinched at his face too, and he hugged himself. The blankets were warm. The outside was not warm.

But if he stayed in the blankets then Tucker and Wash would wake up when he started to cry. And he did not want them to know he was sad, because then they would be sad too. And he did not want them to be sad. They were busy, they had a lot of important things to do. They could not be sad too. He could not make them sad too.

Tears pricked at his eyes, and he snivelled. He had to be further away. He could not cry yet, he had to get further away first. He had to get further away first.

The wreckage of the crashed ship was still close enough to walk to. He’d been in there a lot. He had seen Carolina in there a lot too. She must be very sad. Her eyes are always red now. Caboose wondered if his eyes were always red now. He had done a lot of crying.

The ship was cold, colder than it was outside, and Caboose could feel the negative feelings prickling under his skin and creeping through his nerves. He walked faster, slipping through to one of the parts of the ship that was all but closed off by wreckage. He had cleared a path big enough for him to crawl through, into a slightly more open area, a few days ago. No one would find him here, even if they came looking.

Sniffling and with tears welling in his eyes Caboose clambered into the enclosed space and sat there, legs outstretched and hands on the floor at his sides. He watched his feet, clad in bright blue socks and with a hole in the toe, bop back and forth as tears slowly began to fall. As his vision was clouded by the tears he could no longer see his feet bopping, and so they stopped. As they stopped he instead began to rock back and forth, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms tight around his legs.

Church was gone again. And this time Church was not coming back.

Caboose whimpered, burying his head in his knees and letting the tears fall. Weak, blubbering sobs escaped and were muffled by his legs. The trails the tears left on his cheeks and the wet marks they left on his knees were immediately assaulted by the icy cold air, which in turn only made him cry more because it felt so _horrible_ and _painful_ and like something _very bad_ was touching him and _hurting_ _him_. Why was the night time so cold? It was cold and it was horrible and he did not like it at all he did not like it but he could not go back. Not yet.

Not whilst he was still crying. Because then the others would be sad too. No, no. He had to stay until he had stopped the crying.

He rocked back and forth and back and forth, curling his hands into his hair and tugging. Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch−

Why did Church always leave? Was it because of him? He knew Church did not always like him very much, though he thought he had been doing better at not being annoying. But no, no. Church had to do it, right? Right! That was it; that was it. Church had to leave. He had to leave or they could not be here now. That was it. That was it.

But he was still gone. He was still gone. He was not going to come back this time.

Caboose whimpered, letting out a weak wail and tugging at his hair again. Ouch ouch ouch ouch−

He did not like this. He did not like this. People were not meant to leave forever they were meant to come back. That was what they did that was what always happened, that was what happened with Donut and Doc and Church before why did it have to be different now _why did it have to be different now_ −

His chest hurt. His chest hurt and the cold air hurt it more and his skin was all bumpy and hurting from the cold and it all hurt and he _didn’t like it_. He grasped at his hair, tugging and twisting and whimpering because that hurt too – ouch ouch ouch – but he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t make his hands pull away. He couldn’t stop he couldn’t stop he couldn’t _stop_!

His rocking grew more frantic, back and forth and back and forth over and _over_. His breathing grew short and sharp and each breath made his chest ache with the cold and with the effort. His head was spinning he couldn’t think properly he couldn’t think at all. It was all so confusing it was all so confusing and he felt so _dizzy_! He wanted it all to stop he wanted it all to _stop_! Why wouldn’t it stop?!

He wanted blankets and he wanted Wash to play with his hair and braid it and make it feel nice and and and−

But he was still crying he could not go back whilst he was still crying.

So he sat there, rocking back and forth and _back_ and _forth_ ; burying his fingers into his hair and tugging harder and harder with every rock; _why did it have to be different now why_ ; letting tears soak his legs and make his skin feel even worse and letting out wails and sobs that hurt his head and he hated it he hated it all. Why wouldn’t it just stop why wouldn’t it just _stop_ −

What if now Church had left for good other people left for good what if Wash left again what if Tucker left what if what if−

He shook his head rapidly, making the dizziness so much worse and making the pain so much _worse._ He tugged and pulled and rocked and cried and it wouldn’t stop it just wouldn’t stop! It just wouldn’t stop! He wanted the thinking to stop he wanted the pain to stop he wanted the crying to stop!

The tears and the rocking and the tugging continued for what felt like hours upon hours, but eventually it all began to pass. At first the tugging slowed and stopped, his hands instead wrapping weakly back around his legs. Then the rocking slowed and stopped, leaving him just curled into a tight ball. And then, slowly but surely, the tears began to dry up.

He sniffled, lifting his head and wiping his eyes. His cheeks were stained red by tear tracks, and his eyes were bloodshot. His hair was a mess. His head was aching, and his chest hurt.

But he’d stopped crying, so he got up and crawled out of his hiding spot.

It was still dark outside. He hadn’t been in there as long as it had felt like he had been, or it would have been day time by now. He was glad that it wasn’t day time yet, because then the others would have woken up and he would have to try and explain where he was without making them sad. And he did not think he could do that, not right now.

Caboose rubbed his eyes and tried to flatten his hair as he walked back into the makeshift bunks, finding the room he shared with his boyfriends with a little difficulty. His thoughts were still a little clouded by the ache in his head. But he found it and slipped inside.

Tucker and Wash were still curled up together in bed, with Tucker’s head laid on Wash’s chest; Wash’s arm wrapped around him; and their legs tangled together. Caboose watched them for a moment, watching the way they snuggled closer together and the way their faces moved as they dreamt, before carefully finding a way to slip back into the bed.

There he shuffled down the bed until he had to curl his knees up to stop his feet falling off the end, resting his head on Wash’s shoulder and draping an arm over Tucker. He buried his face against Wash’s skin, pressing as close as possible to the two of them and letting their warmth replace the horrible cold that still lingered under his skin. The blankets were soft, his boyfriends were warm. This was better.

“Mm…? Caboose?”

Caboose nuzzled his head more against Wash’s shoulder, curling up close to his side.

“Mm, hey there. You okay?”

Caboose nodded, kissing his cheek quickly, “Yes Wash. I am okay.”

Wash didn’t look convinced, but he said nothing more. He simply wrapped his arm around Caboose’s back and held him close, and Caboose closed his eyes and just tried to go back to sleep.


End file.
